What Our Bodies Ask of US

When we start to think about our body as something we're in a relationship with all the time, we have to consider a number of questions: are we listening to it? Are we taking the time to connect, do things we enjoy? Do we have a sense of peace and friendship or do we feel disgruntled and judgmental? As we reconnect from a place of greater meaning, respect and love, new information comes forward.

Because our lives so rarely give us the chance to listen to our bodies, things can change radically when we do. Instead of objects to be controlled, our bodies become living, breathing partners in the birthing of our best lives. The old ways of being that may have allowed you to trip through your life unconsciously no longer work in quite the same way. Your body may give you signs now--that you're finally able to hear--when it feels pushed, ignored or in need of rest. As you learn to love, forgive and reunite with your own body, you may find yourself wanting more of those qualities in your own life.

James, for example, is an account executive who worked with me because of a continued issue with stress eating. He hated himself and his body for latenight trips to the refrigerator, but--especially because his work day often went until after 9pm--he didn't know how to stop. Eating was one form of pleasure and escape he was afraid to deprive himself of, even if the pattern felt abusive and unhealthy.

As James started to see his body as something he was in relationship with, an interesting thing happened. He no longer wanted to treat it the way he had. Rather than continuing the cycle of unhappiness and overeating by judging or being disgusted by his overweight body, he now saw how helpless his body had been to his own frustrations and feelings: feelings he was stuffing down repeatedly with food. As James learned to decode his body's stress responses, he could see them as messages rather than invasive or threatening distractions from his productivity. Anxiety or a tight feeling in his stomach, when attended to, meant that James slowed down, took a deep breath and got up from his desk or took a walk.

Reconnecting to his body was also reconnecting James to his life. When he learned to listen compassionately to the signals his body was sending him without eating to cover them up, he realized that he was deeply unhappy with his job and the control it had over his life. Not only did James no longer want to ignore his body, he no longer wanted to ignore himself and the feelings of dissatisfaction he'd had for a long, long time.

Within two months of our work together, James reevaluated his job situation and decided it was no longer for him. From an empowered place, James affirmed that he could find a situation that was less abusive, and that allowed him to be loved and respected the way he was now able to love, respect and listen to his own body. Within moments of his decision, James already had colleagues and friends surrounding him with support and resources to find a position that would honor him and not require him to hide who he is or what he really wants.

An interesting thing happens when we commit to right relationship with our bodies. Our bodies begin to ask of us what we have may have stopped asking of ourselves: to listen, to live without ignoring, to move forward in ways that honor us and take care of us. When we make a reconnection to this most intimate relationship, our bodies may also ask us to consider how that greater sense of self could translate into other aspects of our lives. It may mean that you need to change a job, shift a relationship or give up a bad habit that no longer serves you.

Our bodies don't lie. They have been holding truth for us for as long as we and they have known it. When we begin to listen, we step into what we really want in our lives rather than what we have tried to convince ourselves is enough. This transformation can happen in a moment and it can also move into every aspect of our lives. What our bodies ask of us is what we really most want for ourselves: a life lived fully and respectfully in the moment, with integrity and commitment to our greatest truth and our best selves.

The Healing Power of the Body Relationship

The more I work with people to help them reconnect to their bodies--through illness, weight gain or even just a feeling of disconnection or discomfort--the more I realize how much our bodies are mirrors of every relationship we've had. As we heal our relationship with our bodies, we heal our old relationship patterns or the ways we've been treated in the past. Our facing and healing the disconnects in how we see and experience our bodies also helps us face and heal our lives.

Janice was a thirty year old stroke survivor who had lost movement in part of her body as a result of the stroke. The disability had only magnified a feeling she'd had earlier in her life of feeling left out or like she wasn't enough. When she began to reconnect with her body and treat it with love and respect--rather than judgment and disappointment--an amazing thing began to happen. She realized that she was giving herself--through her body--what she had always wanted. By taking on the process of reconnecting with her body she was also saying that she belonged, that she was okay the way she was, and that she was willing to show up rather than abandon herself. The effects went far beyond healing the relationship with her body and out into every aspect of her life.

The same was true for Michael, a young man with an eating disorder who had been molested as a child by a priest. His early feelings of being shamed and silenced had extended into his body relationship and made it difficult for him--early in our work--to listen to or honor his body and its needs or feelings. Just like he had been shamed and silenced as a child around his abuse, he was now unconsciously abusing himself by blocking out and not listening to his own body.

As Michael moved through the process of repairing his body relationship, he allowed needs and feelings to emerge, finally hearing when his body felt tired, sad or hungry. As he became a better parent to his own body and learned to care for it, he was also better able to draw boundaries and voice needs with others in his life--and to feel safe again in his life knowing he could do this not only for his body but for himself in other relationships in his life.

Our relationships to our bodies are--if you think about it--our most intimate and longest-lasting relationships. We are in them from the moment we are born and until the day we die. Our bodies hold years and years of accumulated and shared feelings and all of our history. They can teach us and connect to us or we can--like an old married couple--grow distant and shut them out. As we heal and recreate our relationship with our bodies, we are often redoing old patterns that no longer serve us, and stepping into new paradigms of relating that we have always wanted.

Reflect for a moment on how you think about and treat your body in this moment. Are there any parallels to your earlier history or to how you have been treated by others in the past? What would it take to step into a new way of being in your life, one that allows you to respond to your body in the way you most wanted to be responded to and loved? Try on being in this relationship in a new and different way and notice what happens. By redoing your body relationship you may have the opportunity to redo your whole life.

For more information about this work or to schedule an initial consultation, visit the website at http://www.annastookey.com or http://www.bodymindguide.com and sign up for a free report and teleclasses on the Body Reunion Solution. I welcome your thoughts and inquiries...

Do You 'Have a Dream'?

I was driving home Sunday night with the radio on and excerpts of of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech came over the airwaves. Though I thought I knew the speech well, I heard it with different ears this time. It was amazing to me how clear and emphatic he was about something that must have seemed impossible at the time: that black and white children should be able to play together, that men should be judged by their character and not by the color of their skin. He spoke with such conviction, it was as if he was experiencing his dream as already true, as needing to be true. In his mind and heart this was the only way it should be.

I wonder how many of the greatest achievements in life start with this clarity of conviction, with the ability to put our minds in the place of already having accomplished the goal, seeing it done, and living in that new reality. Rosa Parks sat on that bus without asking whether or not she should be allowed to. All over the world, people fighting for new ways of being have had to step into them before they were given permission to do so. Slowly, over time, the walls came down.

What is your dream for how you'll feel in and toward your body in the coming months and years? What would you like to be different than it is now? As we enter a new year, take some time to write out for yourself what you'd like to be different about how you relate to and feel in your body. Would you like to be more connected? To trust it more? To be able to listen and have compassion for what it needs?

We can't get to the future we most want by continuing to believe in the reality we feel stuck in now. Give yourself a handhold into something new. What will it feel like when you feel great in your body? How will you be seeing and experiencing the world differently? What will be different about your breathing, your movement, what it feels like to look in the mirror or walk down the street? Let that dream permeate you until it feels as real as possible, as if it's already here. Let yourself not only have the dream but live it as if it were true.

This is what Martin Luther King did for all of us, and it's what we need to learn to do for ourselves whenever we step into something new, something that we deeply want but can't yet see. Take a moment to make a list of the qualities--the pieces of your 'dream'--you'd like to bring to your body relationship this year: hope, trust, kindness, cooperation, love. Then feel in your body what it's like to let each of those qualities be a part of how you relate to your body now. What does trust feel like or look like? Being loving or gentle? No great dream exists in the abstract. We need to will it into being now.

Surely there are obstacles to any dream we have--things to overcome, to negotiate, to fight for. But sitting in the car hearing Martin Luther King's voice, I was also amazed at how many of his dreams have come true. Speak and write the dreams you have for the body relationship you most want. Feel how your body responds. Stay committed to that vision. Notice how you can keep it present for yourself, even when times get tough and part of you could slip into criticism or being at war with yourself. Remember how it feels in your body to be connected, alive and loving.

You can do this. You have a dream. That means much more than you think.

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly?

What is it about the holidays? Parties, shopping, family--and a heightened expectation that we all be filled with good holiday cheer--can lead to an intense array of feelings and reactions. More often than not, the pressure to be on our best holiday behavior can actually bring out the worst and not the best in us.

In an interview I did recently for a radio show on caregiving during the holidays, the host and I wondered why it is that holidays are such a hard time for taking care of ourselves. Many times we put our healthy routines and habits on hold to be with our families, complete holiday tasks and socialize. But along the way our bodies and our sense of self can deteriorate.

There seems to be a direct connection in my experience between the abandonment of self-care, the putting on of a 'happy face' and the ability to overindulge, feel bad about ourselves and disconnect from our bodies. The more we give ourselves away, the easier it is to abandon our bodies and our health. Almost as a way of compensating, we grab for the 'treats' that may make us feel worse in the end--alcohol, sugar, chocolate--without really listening to what we need. Since these treats may be the only form of (albeit false) self-care we get, we cling to them even more during the holidays than we might at other times.

So what keeps us connected during the holidays to our health and ourselves? This year, as you move into the holiday frenzy and toward food, family and friends, pay attention to the way you interact with your body and see if there's a way to stay connected. Notice if there's a way to fit in a moment for yourself amid the hustle--one that allows you to take a few deep breaths and pay attention to how your body is doing, what it might actually want or need. Use your body relationship as a way of actually checking in with yourself: are you tired? Sad? In need of some time to yourself? Your body often holds a host of messages that are available to you as soon as you check in.

Our bodies don't lie. As we listen, they require us to be authentic about our feelings and our needs. And as with any relationship, our bodies prefer connection over disconnection, even in small doses. Checking in at all--even in a moment--to your body's needs begins to rebuild trust in the relationship.

It also helps when we stay honest: if you do find yourself overindulging, see if you can stay connected to your body and apologize rather than feeling guilty, shutting down and (probably) perpetuating the cycle. Ask your body what it needs, and recommit to doing the best you can to listen. Reconnecting to your body and what it needs slows things down and takes you out of concepts of whether you've done something 'right' or 'wrong.' Stay light about your humanness and your ability to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be exactly where you are, doing the best you can.

Maybe this is what's so hard about the holidays. For many of us, our identities are shifting to take in old family relationships, traditions and expectations of meaning and kindness. It gets harder to stay in touch with our authentic selves rather than a put-on a--sometimes fake-- holiday face. And yet if we're not fully present to our experiences, something is lost--we can feel ourselves going through the motions. The same is true of our bodies--and there's no truer proof of this than the extra five or ten pounds so commonly associated with the holidays.

If you can't yet be totally authentic with the family, see if there's a way to be authentic with your body. Listen to its messages and see what it might be like to respond. Even if things can't look the way they usually do with your regular routines of diet and exercise, see if you can do little things that keep you connected: breathing, listening, even stretching or going for a walk. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to show up. Take the pressure off you and your body and let yourselves be exactly as you are, showing up with whatever you truly need. The fa la la la la can wait.

JOIN US FOR A FREE HOLIDAY TELECLASS: SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19TH at 9:30amPST.
Over the Streudel and Through the Nog:
The Body Reunion Solution to Avoiding Holiday Overeating

Tune in before you go off to do your holiday shopping!

We'll explore how to:
*Steer Clear of Negative Holiday Eating Habits
*Avoid the Guilt of Overdoing It
*Develop a Better Relationship to Your Body Through the Holidays
*Gain Tools to Make Healthier Choices, Now and Into the New Year

This one-hour class is ideal for anyone struggling with their body and food, compulsive overeating or exercise or a feeling of discomfort with how they look and feel in their bodies.

CALL-IN NUMBER: (218) 339 2500
Access Code: 594697#

There will be a chance to ask questions and participate as much or as little as you want!
I wish you all a Happy and Healthy Holiday...

All my best,
Anna

The Gratitude Attitude

We all know how easy it is to take our bodies for granted--atleast until they let us down. Then we're sure to let them know, whether conscious of it or not, how frustrated, disappointed or disgusted we are. We can't get well fast enough, lose weight fast enough or get in shape fast enough. We're tough critics of our own bodies most of the time.

A woman I worked with recently who was diagnosed with cancer admitted that before cancer she pretty much just told her body what to do and assumed it would listen. Like her, most of us make our bodies our servants, meaning that they pretty much have to do what we want and don't get a lot of praise for it. How do you think they feel?

Because we demand so much of our lives, asking that we constantly do and be more, it's easy to neglect and become a task master to our bodies just as we are with ourselves. But we need to ask ourselves how it feels when someone else does that to us. A client of mine who works long days for a reputable company said recently that if no one acknowledged him for what he did, "I'd just say, 'screw this!'" The acknowledgement is what keeps him going. And yet how many of us do that to our bodies? We ask and ask and ask of them without pausing to thank or to give back.

With Thanksgiving just a day away, I'm thinking about the effect of gratitude and appreciation on the relationships I have in my life. Many of my friends have reached out this year to say how grateful they are to have me in their lives, and I have been so moved by this that I too am reaching out to tell those I care about the same. The effect--on both sides of gratitude--is uplifting. As both the recipient and the giver of gratitude, I feel lighter, energized and more alive. I wonder if our bodies, when we pause to appreciate them and acknowledge all they do for us, might also feel the same?

Consider the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto, featured in the recent movie, 'What the Bleep Do We Know?' If you saw the movie, you might remember the remarkable effect that certain words like 'thank-you' and 'I love you' seemed to have. In his research on the effect of words and thoughts, Dr. Emoto found that frozen water contained very different kinds of crystals depending on what thoughts were directed toward it: "Water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors." (http://www.whatthebleep.com/crystals/)

If our bodies are more than 60% water, it becomes even more urgent to consider what effect loving thoughts of gratitude have on our physical selves, vs. thoughts of fear, loathing or frustration. We owe it to ourselves and our bodies to remember and communicate all that we appreciate. Our bodies won't leave us until we die, but--as with any partner that feels unseen or unappreciated--they can become distant and resentful. Over time, their resistance may manifest as disease, discomfort, or perhaps--if you take seriously this research on water crystals--a deep and essential disorder.

Whatever we ask of our bodies, we ultimately ask of ourselves. The tireless and relentless criticism and pushing harm both of us. Ask yourself what it would take to shift to an attitude of gratitude--today, tomorrow, or any day--rather than constantly asking more of yourself with no return. What would it take to acknowledge all your body does for you and to express your gratitude toward it on this day of almost-Thanksgiving? As you think about doing that, how does the energy in your body shift, change and open? How do you feel different?

You just might find as you make this shift that the pieces seem to fall together, that you already feel the energy and lightness of having received what you wanted all along. An attitude of gratitude not only acknowledges what we have, but it makes us more open to everything that's possible around us. What if all you have asked of yourself you already have: a table full of blessings laid out before you, ready to be tasted?

Have You Lost That Lovin' Feeling?

Out this month, the crazy comedy Couples Retreat (starring Jason Bateman, Vince Vaughn and others) tells the story of four couples who agree to go to a remote island to--they hope--have fun, catch some sun and overindulge. Instead, they're roped into confrontational therapy sessions, trust exercises and yoga classes that bring out the best and worst in all of them. Three of the four couples have gone thinking they're 'fine' and are there to support friends on the brink of divorcing. In the end, they all find out that they each have plenty of issues that need addressing.

I think this is more typical than any of us like to admit. We're in our lives, we're more or less happy and--unless someone asks us to--we're probably not going to change anything or put any additional effort into our relationships and ourselves. But a whole level of awareness, connection and growth is waiting in the wings, ready for us to push to another level, commit to more in our lives and really show up for who we are and want to be.

I wondered watching the movie on vacation in Hawaii--where my husband and I got some much needed time away--how many of us are just in 'okay' relationships with our bodies, accepting that we're kind-of disconnected, a little overweight, struggling with some health issue. Years go by like this; we figure we're too busy and there's too much going on to really do anything. We'll figure that all out and get more connected when we have time.

But our relationships suffer over time from this avoidance, and our relationship to our bodies is no exception. Slowly over time we stop forgetting to check in, stop forgetting how we really feel and what makes us most alive in and appreciative of our physical selves. Tasks take over, we shovel food in on the run, we don't get to exercise. We forget our bodies and ourselves. Like the couples in the movie, we figure we haven't hit a crisis yet and we're doing 'okay,' so we keep going. Like the couples in the movie, sooner or later it catches up with us.

We lose 'that lovin' feeling,' for lack of a better phrase--but who could say it better really? It just feels like it's too much effort to look the subtle malaise in the face. We settle for getting by instead of thriving.

The thing is, in our body relationships as in our relationships with others, it doesn't take something grand to reunite. We don't have to go to an island in the Bahamas and meditate for ten years. But we can make a choice to stop avoiding. We can decide that we're willing to reconnect, to take responsibility for the kind of life and body relationship we want to create. And we can start showing up in the moment with an intention to be present, to be willing to feel, to acknowledge when something is off and do what it takes to make it better.

This is accountability in relationships, and it happens in the moment much more than it happens in big gestures or grand schemes. No relationship on the rocks is truly saved by a trip to a tropical island as much as it's saved by the little sacrifices, the commitment to being in touch with how we feel, the little love note on a pillow. What are the little ways that you can start showing up for the relationship with your body right now rather than ignoring it? What might be different if you committed to really feeling great in your body rather than just 'okay'?

Many of us live for years just like the couples in the movie, putting up with an okay relationship and losing touch with how great it really can feel. If this sounds familiar, ask yourself what you might do differently right now, even if nothing about your life can radically change. You still have to go to work, eat dinner on the run, get up early with the kids. But if all it really takes is a moment, ask yourself: what would romancing your body again look like right now?

Can you decide to listen to it, to hear it when it needs to move, needs to sleep or needs to stop eating? There's nothing sexier than a partner who listens and adores us. What does your body need from you right now that would rekindle the passion in your relationship? Think about it. This is the foundation of the Body Reunion Process and the beginning of a whole new way of being in your body. It doesn't take much more than a shift of acknowledgment and a moment of remembering. You just might move past the seven year itch and into a second honeymoon.

What Reality Do You Create With Your Body?

We live in a world where more and more people are acknowledging that our thoughts can create our reality. New age thinkers urge us to pay attention to the power of our minds to create or uncreate happiness, peace and even wealth. And yet there's one untapped area where thoughts run rampant, where we may not even check ourselves or pay attention: the thoughts we are constantly having about our bodies.

Pay attention to this for a moment, even throughout your day. When you look in the mirror, when your pants don't fit as loosely as they did last week, when you get symptoms of a chronic illness coming back, grapple with a physical limitation or sore back, or even when you notice a wrinkle--what kinds of thoughts are you having toward your body in these moments, if you could turn up the volume on your inner dialogue? The results might surprise you.

'Oh gross.'
'God, I can't stand this.'
'God you can't do anything.'
'Could this pain just go away already?'

There are a couple of reasons why it's important to start paying attention to the inner dialogue. First, because if we take on that your body is something you're in relationship with all the time, this kind of attentiveness to the messages you send it gives you a chance to clean up your act. How do you think your body feels about the kinds of things it's hearing? How would you feel if you were on the other side of these thoughts and feelings?

Second, it's important because if your thoughts do create your reality, you're creating a negative loop you won't get out of. I don't believe that positive change and transformation can ever come from criticism, judgment and blame. We have to change our attitude within the relationship before anything can shift on the outside. In other words, there's no 'there' there. You can't get to the perfect body by constantly abusing and criticizing yourself. You have to take a radical stance to choose love and acceptance now.

This isn't always easy, but it's the work that the Body Reunion Solution advocates. It asks you to become the best person you can in relating to your body--because your body is also you. All the negative messages, the abuse and the criticism also land in the recesses of your heart and soul and create a landscape of blame and conflict inside you that affects--and creates--your life.

Think about it. Really. No pun intended. What reality do you want to be creating for yourself and your body, and what thoughts create that reality? Are you kinder? More at peace? More forgiving? Do you hold the sensations or symptoms in your body as the enemy or as something to work with together and seek to understand? Which stance brings your reality closer to the one you most want?

You'll feel the difference right away in how it feels to be in your body. A kind and supportive voice softens and opens the body, so that your reality literally does change right in front of you. Negative messages often create tightness, shallowness of breath and constriction. As you become aware of the effect your thoughts have on your body, you'll notice immediately--through your body--the effect they have on you.

So see if you can start choosing a different kind of thought. Change, 'Oh my God, gross,' when your jeans don't fit to, 'Hey, I know you're doing the best you can here. Let's work together to keep getting you to a healthy weight.' As you become aware of your thoughts toward your body throughout the day, see if you can change them into more positive and loving ones. Consider, at the end of the day, thanking your body for all it's done for you and see how it responds. Your body lets you know right away what kind of reality you're creating. What reality will you choose to live in today?