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Here's an interesting exercise I do with my clients: take a minute and think about how you would describe your current relationship with your body as if it were a person. Are you friends? Enemies? Strangers? Buddies? Get even more specific if you can. Does it feel like your body is rebelling against you? Or does it feel like a needy child you can never get to? Are you angry at it, something it did or because of weight gain or injury?
Even taking a minute to think about our bodies this way shifts the dynamic away from seeing them as inanimate, lifeless objects and toward a relationship that we also participate in.
Once you have a sense of the kind of relationship you experience with your body, think about the kinds of dynamics that contribute to this relationship--in much the same way you'd evaluate any other relationship. Are you ignoring it? Caught in a negative cycle? Not communicating?
Then ask yourself: if there was one behavior you could change in how you relate to your body right now, what would it be? Would you like to be more loving? Listen more? Be willing to forgive or be forgiven for past experiences?
Like any other relationship, your relationship with your body is constantly alive and shifting. The choices you make moment-to-moment can change everything. Ask yourself what it would feel like to be able to describe your relationship with your body as more of an ally, a friend, a lover. If you had that kind of positive relationship with your body, what else in your life would change as a result?
Here are some specific questions to help you pay attention to how you're interacting in this body relationship, and to further your ability to create something new:
1)What kinds of messages are you sending to your body day-to-day, right now, if you turn the volume up on your thoughts? Are they kind, loving and open or judgmental, attacking, sad or disappointed?
2)If you could change the relationship you're creating with your body by changing the messages you're sending, what kinds of messages would you like to send instead? Write out a few examples of how you would change a negative thought or message into a positive, supportive one.
3)What would your ideal body relationship look like, if you could have it? How are you relating to and thinking about your body? What kind of energy and support do you get from that connection? Take a minute to imagine an ideal picture. What are you doing/feeling/experiencing in and with your body?
4) Notice the qualities in your ideal relationship and see if there's a way to create more of them now. Are you more trusting? Playful? Open? Sometimes just inviting more of those qualities in and beginning to live them can change how you relate to your body right now. Don't wait for some imaginary time in the future to be happier with your body, more at peace or more alive. See what happens if you begin to create those qualities from the inside out, now.
All of these questions can take you for a moment toward the opportunity to shift and heal how you relate to your body. You can do it! You will be amazed at how this not only transforms whatever health or weight challenge you're experiencing, but also opens you to greater and greater layers of who you really want to be in your life. No one wants to waste valuable energy on negative ways of relating and being. Only you have the power to break that pattern and choose a different way.
For more information on doing this work or on the upcoming book, visit www.bodymindguide.com or my private practice website at www.annastookey.com. And stay tuned--you can join a FREE teleclass on Connecting to Your Body. The call is Friday, July 31st at 9:30am and is open to all who are interested with no obligation.
Simply go to www.bodymindguide.com and sign up in the 'contact me' page, writing in 'signing up for teleclass' in the comments. I will contact you in the upcoming weeks with reminders and the call-in number for the call. You are also welcome to include your own questions or concerns, or anything you'd like discussed on the call. I look forward to hearing from you!
I talk a lot about the importance of connecting to our bodies, simply because being in healthy and connected relationship feels better than being disconnected. We make better choices, feel more integrated, and are better able to come from love rather than fear not only in our physical lives but in the world around us. But it's occurring to me lately that there's a whole other advantage to connecting with our bodies. As we learn to listen better to our bodies, they listen better to us. Connecting to our bodies gives us a voice in what's happening physically so that we can begin to actively participate in our own health.
I had an experience like this several years ago with a client who was preparing for cancer treatment. We'd had a few conversations about the body relationship, so we thought we'd try an experiment. As his upcoming radiation loomed, we decided he should write a letter to his body about it. In the letter he would tell his body what the radiation was for, why he was doing it, and let his body know that it didn't have to fight against what was going to happen. He then pictured himself coming out of the treatment with no side effects--seeing himself in the waiting room following the procedure with an amazing amount of energy and appetite. He was actively communicating with his body to let it know what was about to happen as well as what he wanted the result to be.
I probably don't need to tell you what happened. This client had virtually no side effects: didn't lose weight, didn't lose his hair and didn't lose his appetite. His doctors were stunned. Frankly--because this was early in my bodymind work--I was stunned. But on the deepest level it didn't surprise either of us. We truly believed that having the right relationship with his body through all of this would change everything.
Connection, relationship, gives us endless possibilities that were not available before. In other words, if you're tired, if you need more energy, or if you have an outcome--such as making it through a surgery successfully or being able to lose weight--that really matters to you, you are now able to work with your body rather than assuming there's nothing you or it can do. You might give your body a picture of the outcome you'd prefer and ask it if it would be willing to work with you to accomplish it. You might be able to let your body know that you're choosing a treatment--such as radiation or chemotherapy--that often has side effects and ask it if it might be willing to let the treatment in without defending against it.
When you learn the tools I teach of communicating with your body, you are not only learning great meditative or relationship tools. You are also gaining tools that move you into new possibilities within your body. Reconnected, you can give and receive information and be open to the healing that can happen as a result. As you continue to evolve in your understanding of your body as a being you're in relationship with, you can begin sharing some of what you'd like it to know about your vision or your desire for healing or wellness. See what comes back. What does your body have to say about this? What might it be willing to do? The results may just surprise you.
Your body has been waiting for you to extend the olive branch, waiting to have the chance to teach you and to listen to your greatest dream of health. You may or may not get an external result that changes everything, as this client did. But I believe that what you will always get--when you have the courage to communicate what you want--is useful insight from your body that will guide you toward your best and healthiest self.
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Okay, the thing is--the more I keep exploring how to reconnect to my body and teach other people about it, the more I realize how significant this work is, on so many levels. We are a culture addicted to multi-tasking, blackberries and to-do lists. We live mostly in our heads and many of us are going a mile-a-minute. Heck, I don't even know if that's considered FAST anymore?!
As we begin to pay attention to our bodies--how we feel about them, what they need, what they might be saying to us--we actually get called to be slower, more conscious and more deliberate. If we're hungry we might eat. If we're tired, we could take a nap. If we're restless we might exercise. Most of the time we have no idea that any of these things are true, or which is which. In our multi-tasking world our tasks all get mushed together!
Reconnecting to the body asks us to be more precise and more present. What a hassle! you argue. No, it's a gift. I'm beginning to think that this is what we have bodies for, that there's something simple, profound and even spiritual about beginning to reconnect.
If we think of our bodies as living, breathing things instead of objects to be controlled, our whole worldview changes. Something softens. We become more alive to our senses and our moment-to-moment awarenesses. Trust me, it's a really natural high.
I encourage you, no matter what you're struggling with--whether it's a health issue or a weight issue or just general discomfort and judgment around your body: take a minute. Slow down. Listen. Think of your body as if it were a person you're relating to and see how it feels right now. Get curious about whether or not it needs or wants anything from you. What would it mean if you listened?
I spent years dieting, running around, trying to 'do' all the things I thought I was supposed to do to lose weight. I (I'm not kidding) went to the gym three hours a day, tried all kinds of diets and fasts and ended up miserable and no skinnier. Somewhere in all of that I realized I had completely stopped listening to or loving my body. I had stepped out altogether and was trying to run my body like a well-organized to-do list.
What didn't work was that I didn't sleep when I was tired, didn't eat when I was hungry. I had no idea when any of these things were even going on. When I started to listen, I actually did things that were in sync with my body. If I listened, sometimes what I most wanted when I reached for a cookie was a good cry. Or a nap. Or a chance to reach out to a friend.
As I started to listen, I started to lose weight: not because I was trying but because I was at peace and in alignment with the moment. I didn't need, literally, to carry any extra baggage around. I was totally present to right now. I'm no genius, but it makes sense. And it can make sense for you too.
As I run my weight loss groups and workshops for people with health issues (bodymindguide.com) I realize more and more that the gift of the problems we have with our bodies--yes, I said 'gift'-- is that they actually call us into relationship, into the now, into listening to what's really going on. That's a spiritual path of the highest order, whether we like it or not. Consider yourself a body monk. And start listening. As you get called into the present moment where your body lives, your whole life just might change.
Here is a classic example of how we give away our power. I'm listening to my body, exercising regularly, feeling great, alive and energized. I then go to a doctor's appointment, step on the scale--I haven't stepped on a scale in atleast six months--and the nurse adjusts, adjusts, adjusts. The number in front of me, finally, is eight pounds higher than it was the last time. Eight pounds.
For days, I can't stop thinking about those eight pounds. I wonder what I did wrong, what I'm doing wrong, how I could have been so wrong. I basically do a complete head trip on myself and my body, completely abandoning this wonderful relationship I had going on. In the end, the power of that number takes over.
How many times does this happen to us, on so many levels in our lives? The external measurement and its adequacy or inadequacy completely decimates any personal process or progress we were making. As the panic increased, I made all kinds of decisions about what kind of person I was, about my body, about my choices. Despite the fact that I was feeling healthy and happy before this happened, I allowed myself to be changed completely by a number.
It was a real wakeup call for me of what an ongoing journey it is to stay in touch with our bodies and our relationship to them without being distracted away by our judgments, the external picture, or the number on a scale. To honor our relationships and how it feels to be in our bodies FIRST is radical behavior. It's countercultural.
When I do weightloss workshops using the principles of BodyReunion work, this is just the kind of relationship we're invoking. Rather than focusing on how much you weigh or what things look like on the outside, you're asked to deeply examine how you feel in your body, the kinds of messages you send it, and what kind of relationship it feels like to you: a lover, a child, a friend? Or someone who's betrayed you? As we begin to repair the ways that we are with our bodies, we repair--on the deepest and most lasting level--our habits, our choices. We begin to participate in a relationship with our bodies that helps us make kinder, healthier choices on into the future.
So imagine my humility, knowing all this, to be thrown by a number on a scale. I realize the power of all that old thinking and judgment, that would have me abandon my body, criticize it, want it to be different and not trust it to show me what it wants and needs. The way that number caught my breath and shot me into that cycle of self-flagellation is amazing to me. If I'm doing it, with all my years of looking at that stuff, I'm sure we all do. How do we stop?
It's important to stop, because that cycle of self-judgment just takes us further out of our power and our choice. It makes us feel like we've done something wrong and can't be trusted. I found myself wanting to eat more, be less in touch with myself. I felt like a child who had been yelled at but hadn't done anything wrong: ashamed, confused, acting out. I recognize that every time this happens, I can make a different choice. I want to find a way to do that especially now, so that I can share it with other people. Here are some thoughts about breaking the cycle:
1)Ask yourself what's really important. Remember that what you most want is a peaceful and kind relationship with your body. No matter what it looks like right now, or what the number is on the scale, you can trust that this peace is both what you want in the moment and what you will want in the end.
2)Dialogue with your body. Check in with your body and ask it--rather than relying on the scale like a fortune teller to give you your answer--if it feels okay right now, if it needs anything from you. Does it feel like you're eating too much, ignoring it, not listening? Pay attention to what you hear.
3)Be willing to trust what you hear. It may feel like a leap of faith, but the information you get is the information you need. Trust that if your body is at peace, it's okay to be exactly where you are. If your body does have something to say about your relationship, then listen to that. Maybe you've stopped paying as much attention to when it's full. Maybe you've been pushing it too hard to exercise when it's tired. Trust that you'll keep listening and asking, and as long as you do that you are doing the best you can to take care of your body now and in the future. Make the adjustments you need to make as you listen.
4)Reconnect. Apologize to yourself and your body for getting scared. Be transparent about what triggers you, and how easy it is to get worried about a number as a sign of your progress. Say what you need to say to reestablish the relationship and choose it above the number.
5) Let go of the fear. Ask yourself what it would take to let go of the fear of that external evaluation and choose a loving relationship instead. Know that this takes work and courage. Know that you can do it.
You are the only one who has the ultimate power around your body relationship: how you respond to it, how you feel in it, what you're doing with it. Don't let a number take you off course. Don't let someone or something else tell you whether your body is okay.
Take a deep breath (I'm taking one now). How many times has this happened? How can you use this process to assure yourself that it doesn't need to happen again? As I write these words, I feel and know this experience so intimately. We never stop learning the power of returning to and choosing ourselves.
Remember that women's book from the 70's called Our Bodies, Ourselves? I think it's now in multiple editions. It's still a resource for information about birth control, female anatomy and even emotions, hormones, women's rights. I'm writing about it today because the title really says something I've thought to be true for a long time: our bodies ARE ourselves. How we relate to them, treat them and even think about them affects us and shapes us. And yet most of us treat them as objects, to be whipped into submission. We want to get them into the best shape possible, push them to do the best work possible, or drive them around, travel them around, sleep them around. Our bodies quietly accompany us in our lives while we do all these things. Most of the time they don't say a word.
But sometimes they do. They may show up from the silence in the form of a disease that no one can diagnose; or those extra ten pounds that don't seem to go anywhere; or the fact that we can't orgasm when we want to. Our bodies don't lie. After awhile, when we don't listen, they begin to get more clever about trying to communicate. They begin to inconvenience us.
I write this because I think acknowledging and working with our bodies before they get to this point is essential. I'm writing and creating this blog because I believe there's another way. The new road is one of listening to and respecting our bodies as the living, breathing beings they are. As we become conscious of the relationship we're already participating in with our bodies, healing on all kinds of levels becomes possible: the undoing of disease, letting go of weight and even gaining of energy.
I'll share with you my thoughts and stories, and I welcome yours.
Anna
